


Roundabout

by Shaples



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Confessions, Drinking to Cope, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Asanoya, Post-Canon, Post-Graduation, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-05-19 19:52:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5979136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shaples/pseuds/Shaples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Actually I, uh. I was thinking I might stick around. Like, long term? I mean, if you haven’t already found someone to rent the other room, and you still. You know. Want to live together.”</p>
<p>Tanaka’s eyes widened in surprise. “I thought that you and Asahi were-”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Noya said. “We aren’t.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” he said. And when Noya didn’t look up from the label on his beer bottle, Tanaka breathed out, “Shit.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, I blame [pheonee](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pheonee/). 
> 
> Big thanks to [carriecmoney](http://archiveofourown.org/users/carriecmoney/pseuds/carriecmoney) for the beta and helping me get this out the door finally.

Noya glanced down at his phone as his cab pulled onto a narrow, unfamiliar street and started to slow. No new messages. He chewed on his lip and shoved the phone back in his pocket, peering anxiously out the window. He’d never been this far from home alone before and never in this part of the city at all. He’d made the trip on impulse and had already gotten lost twice, and if this address wasn’t the right one…

But when the cab rolled to a stop, he saw Tanaka leaned up against the side of the building, arms crossed over his chest, waiting for him. Noya breathed a sigh of relief, then paid the cab driver and grabbed his bag off the seat, mumbling a hasty thanks before climbing out of the car. He felt grimy and gross, a long day of travel layered over dried-on sweat. He probably looked like he’d just crawled off his death bed, but Tanaka grinned when he saw him, pushing away from the wall and holding up a hand to draw his attention. “Yo. You made it.”

“Just barely,” Noya said with a tired smile. “The trains here are a nightmare.”

“You get used to it,” he said, holding out his arms. Noya laughed and let himself be dragged into a hug. It was nice. Needed. He tightened his arms around Tanaka’s waist, pulling him close, and Tanaka squeezed him around the shoulders before pulling back with a grin. “Damn. Feels like it’s been forever since I’ve seen you.”

Noya snorted, “Dude, it’s been less than a month.”

“Yeah, and that’s the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other since we were, what, like eight?” Tanaka said, waving for Noya to follow him inside.

It was a fair point. He hadn’t put words or a shape to the feeling, but as soon as Tanaka said it, Noya realized how badly he’d missed his best friend. “Maybe that’s why I’ve been so messed up lately,” he muttered as they crossed the threshold from the street into the bar, the noise of traffic giving way to the soft din of voices, the murmur of TVs turned low and ambient music playing overhead.

Tanaka glanced back over his shoulder, eyebrows raised. “You say something?”

Noya shook his head. “Just talking to myself.”

Tanaka nodded, accepting it as fact, and led Noya through the dimly-lit bar. It was nothing fancy – the kind of place people went to get drunk and be left alone – and in the late afternoon it felt muted, not particularly crowded and populated by a few lone people who looked like they’d already been there a while. Tanaka motioned for Noya to take a seat at the bar, then slipped behind it himself. “So,” he said with a wicked grin, “since I didn’t get to say it in person.” He held up two bottles of beer and cracked the lids off them, then set one on the counter in front of Noya and raised the other in salute. “Congratulations.”

Noya raised his eyebrows. “You trying to get fired?”

Tanaka snorted. “This look like the kind of place that checks ID?”

Noya shrugged because, okay, fair point, and lifted his bottle, mimicking Tanaka’s celebratory posture. “To making the cut?”

“To the best new libero in Tokyo,” Tanaka said, with enough gravitas to make Noya snort. He clinked his bottle against Tanaka’s before raising it to his lips. It was probably a bad idea to even be in the same room as anything alcoholic; it had been a while since he’d had anything to eat or, god, to drink, and he was dehydrated enough that he chugged half the bottle before coming up for air. God, it tasted good, though. And if it took a little less than usual to make him start feeling fuzzy, well, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.

“So,” Tanaka said when Noya set down the bottle. “How long are you planning on crashing with me?” Noya’s shoulders went stiff, and he hoped the dim light of the bar hid it. The question didn’t surprise him, but he’d been hoping for at least a little preamble before he had to answer it. “I mean, mi casa es su casa, but your texts were a little vague. I’d like to show you around before you have to go, but I’m working tomorrow and the night after, so-”

“Actually,” Noya said, because fuck if he was going to spend all night with it buried in his chest, waiting to say it, waiting to ask, “I, uh. I was thinking I might stick around. Like, long term? I mean, if you haven’t already found someone to rent the other room, and you still. You know. Want to live together.”

Tanaka’s eyes widened in surprise. “I thought that you and Asahi were-”

“Yeah,” Noya said. “We aren’t.”

“Oh,” he said. And when Noya didn’t look up from the label on his beer bottle, Tanaka breathed out, “Shit.” Noya chewed his lip, waiting for the next question –  _ what happened? _ – but it didn’t come, at least not immediately. Tanaka lifted his beer bottle to his lips and drained it, then tossed it into a bin beneath the counter, pulled out two shot glasses, and filled them both with tequila. He slid one across the bar to Noya and held up the other in a much less enthusiastic salute. “The room’s all yours, man. Like you even need to ask.”

Relief and gratitude almost took his breath away. There was no way Tanaka hadn’t at least  _ looked  _ for another roommate already – he’d been in Tokyo almost a month and had complained about how expensive everything was every time they’d texted or talked on the phone. He’d never guilted Noya about turning down his offer to share his new two bedroom apartment above the bar, but his job alone wasn’t going to cover rent for both rooms for more than a month or two. And Tanaka had every right to be pissed about it; they’d been talking abstractly about rooming together for years, and after they’d both gotten into the same university, it had seemed like a given – and it would have been, if it hadn’t been for Asahi.

Yeah, tequila felt like the right answer. “Thanks,” Noya said, holding up the shot glass. “I really appreciate it, Ryuu.”

Tanaka breathed out a laugh through his nose, clinking his glass against Noya’s. “No need to thank me. Where am I going to find a better roommate than you?”

On the side of the road, maybe. But Noya managed a grin before tossing back his drink, closing his eyes and enjoying the subtle burn. When he looked, Tanaka had already refilled their glasses. “How’s work?” he asked, because if Tanaka wasn’t going to push now, Noya figured he could stand to have fewer inhibitions before the questions started.

“Shitty,” he said, but with a grin that said otherwise. “My sister’s a real slave driver.”

Noya actually laughed at that. “Yeah, letting you wait around outside for your friends and drink on the job. How do you stand it?”

“She’s a lot less chill when it actually gets busy in here.”

“Does it?” Noya asked, tipping back his second shot. “Get busy, I mean?”

“Not till after dark, and usually only on weekends. But it’s a fuckin’ pain in the ass when it does. And she makes me clean the bathrooms. I swear to god you’ve never seen so much piss and puke in your whole life.”

“Skip the bathrooms, got it.”

“Smart man,” Tanaka said, filling a glass with water and setting it on the counter. He left it near enough to himself that he wasn’t pushing it on Noya or even really offering it to him, but it was there, in reach, if he wanted it. Noya took the glass and sipped at the water, and after a moment, Tanaka said, “I’m still on the clock for a few more hours, but if you’re wiped out from the train ride, I can give you my keys and you can crash upstairs until I get off work.”

“I look that bad, huh?”

Tanaka grinned. “And you smell worse. What the hell did you do, come straight from practice?”

He knew it was supposed to be a joke, meant to brush off both Noya’s disheveled appearance and Tanaka’s concern about it, but Noya breathed out a sigh, “Actually, yeah, that’s… I kind of did.”

He was wearing his Karasuno Volleyball Club jacket, but that wasn’t anything unusual. As soon as he said it, though, Tanaka reached across the bar and tentatively pulled the jacket open, revealing the Karasuno High School logo printed on the breast of Noya’s white practice shirt. Tanaka frowned, his face contorting with worry, “Noya, what-” He stopped himself just short of asking, like he’d told himself he wasn’t going to, then apparently decided there wasn’t a way around it and sighed. “What the fuck happened, man?”

Noya held up his shot glass. “One more?”

Tanaka hesitated for a moment, then nodded and poured.

Noya held the glass in his hand and looked down at the golden liquid, wondering where the hell to even start. It was all bullshit, start to finish, and – fuck. Fuck. Just thinking about it, trying to put some order to it, was making his throat feel tight. He threw back the shot and slammed the glass on the bar. Fuck, fuck, fuck. “It’s…” Over. Done. “I broke it off with him. Today. After practice.” And there he was, mad all over again. So mad he was shaking, like he could slam his fist right down through the top of the bar and keep going. He was breathing hard, fists clenched.

Tanaka didn’t say anything. He just waited, let the silence hanging between them siphon off some of Noya’s anger.

“I got my official confirmation today,” Noya said eventually, leaning against the bar and rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, “the fucking, for my scholarship, and all that. And I went straight to his house after practice, cuz like, we were waiting until we knew for sure about the money, right? And I told him, and he seemed happy, and then,” Fuck, fuck, fuck. He was not going to cry about this anymore. Had cried half the way here on the fucking train already and that was more than fucking Asahi fucking deserved. “I said we should head out here this weekend together to start looking for an apartment, and he said he changed his mind, that he didn’t want to move out of Torono.”

“Wait,  _ what _ ?” Tanaka said, loud enough to earn a glance from someone on the other side of the bar.

“He said I should go, and that he was going to stay.”

“What the  _ fuck _ ? I thought you two had been planning this.”

He wanted Tanaka’s indignation to make him mad again, but it just hurt, like a punch in the chest, because they had, they  _ had _ , for so  _ long _ , and. “He was all set to transfer his job to the Tokyo branch, and we packed, and I had a list. Of places.” He scrubbed at his nose. “I made a budget, we-” his voice was coming out wheezy and breathless, ragged with his own disbelief. “We weren’t going to have to pretend anymore. We were gonna actually finally be able to be together and-” He looked up at Tanaka. “he said he wasn’t ready.”

“That fucking coward.” It wasn’t the first time Tanaka had said it, not by a long shot – it was probably his favorite thing to call Asahi, the insult he fell back on whenever Noya came to him after they’d had a fight. But it was the first time Noya didn’t have it in him to argue the point. The first time, maybe ever, that he agreed.

“He had all these reasons,” Noya said miserably, “all this shit he’s afraid of. About the rent and the commute and his parents and…” he shook his head, “coming out, I guess, even in a new place where the only people we know are like, fucking, you and Kuroo and Bokuto, like you don’t all know already and like they aren’t the biggest homos to ever don a pair of fucking regulation booty shorts.” He shook his head, leaning heavily against the bar, “And it was all obviously stuff he’d  _ been _ worried about. Stuff he should have told me  _ months _ ago.”

“Why didn’t he?” Tanaka asked.

“That was…” Noya shook his head, dropping his eyes and wiping at his nose. “That was what we really fought about. It stopped being about moving in together, or Tokyo, or...” He chewed his lip, shaking his head. “He said he didn’t tell me because he wanted to be supportive of me. That he was proud I got scouted and wanted to… do all the things I wanted, and that he tried, but that he realized he couldn’t. That I- fuck, that I was asking too much? Even though I never… I thought we were making decisions  _ together _ , but apparently he was just going along with everything I said.” He felt tired, suddenly, so terribly exhausted, and found himself shaking his head in disbelief. “And that’s always it, isn’t it? That’s what you were always saying, and I never fucking listened. That I’ve just been dragging his ass around forcing him to do shit that makes him uncomfortable. I always thought I was helping him, making him a better player, helping him get a better job, because he has so much fucking potential, but apparently I’ve just been fucking bullying him or something, and I guess wanting to start our fucking life together was the last straw.”

“Can I say something?” Tanaka asked, and his deferential tone made Noya look up, surprised and bewildered. He waved a hand, permission to go ahead, and Tanaka frowned, then took a breath and said, “You’re the only person that ever saw a shred of potential in him.”

Even said calmly and gently, the words stung like a lash, and Noya jerked back. “What?”

“Noya,” Tanaka said, “Asahi has the presence of an overcooked noodle and the personality of a damp tissue. He’s our friend, and our teammate, and we all liked him, but you… you looked at him and you saw something that no one else did.”

“What…?” Noya said, looking at him in confused disbelief.

“You saw an ace.”

“He  _ was _ the ace.”

“No,” Tanaka said, “we called him the ace because he was the biggest spiker on the team, but no one really expected anything of him, until you. You looked at him, and you pointed at him and said ‘you’re the ace,’ and then you turned him into our fucking ace. And then we won nationals, and he graduated, and he was going to become, what, some shop clerk or something? And you dug, and pushed, and found what he was good at, and yanked it out of him, and put in his applications, and got him a job he loves that pays well enough for him to move out of his parents’ house-”

“But he won’t,” Noya said, feeling a little sick. It was like he’d just been told a secret everyone had been keeping from him, and it made too much sense not to be true. “He’s not going to move out,” he breathed. “And that was fine before. I mean, I didn’t expect him to move somewhere  _ else _ in Torono, and obviously I didn’t want him to move  _ away _ while I was still in school, but I was counting on this, on us getting our own place when I graduated, because… Jesus, we’ve been sneaking around for so long, and I’m so  _ sick  _ of it. It’s not just that he wouldn’t tell his parents, but he wouldn’t let  _ me  _ tell  _ mine _ , and…” He ran his fingers through his bangs. “While I was still in school, it was easy. It was easy for us to stay together, because I was right there, and he wasn’t planning on leaving. But as soon as it got hard for him, as soon as he had to actually do something to make it work, he balked. I told him.” He swallowed thickly, leaning on the bar again and resting his forehead on his hand. “I told him I needed him to step up. That I needed him to help me make this happen, because I couldn’t do it by myself, and I couldn’t do it while holding his hand every step of the way, because I’m fucking  _ terrified _ about this – about moving away from home, and having to do all this new shit in a strange place by myself – but you know what he said?”

“What did he say?”

“He said he didn’t want to hold me back anymore.” His voice broke, and he pressed his hand to his mouth, his words coming out strained, “Like this whole time he’s been a weight tied to my ankles or. Like he’s doing me a f-fucking favor dumping me right before-” He let out a startled sob, unable to hold it back anymore. “He left me, Ryuu. I’m so scared, and he left me alone and acted like it was the most selfless fucking thing he’s ever done.” He folded himself forward onto the counter, hiding his face in his arms as he started to cry.

Tanaka ran a hand down Noya’s back, a whisper of calluses against his windbreaker and the gentle, constant warmth of his palm rubbing soothing circles. When Noya’s tears finally ran dry, Tanaka said, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to him, and he’s an idiot for letting you go.”

“He said he was afraid of disappointing me,” he mumbled into his arms. “That he didn’t think he could live up to my expectations.” He looked up, eyes bleary, “But I just wanted him to be  _ happy _ . To be what I knew he could be.” He shook his head, because nothing made sense anymore, “Am I an asshole? Did I fuck this up?”

“You’re not an asshole. But I don’t think he could see what you saw in him, either, and you put a  _ lot _ of time and energy into… realizing his potential, or whatever.”

“I would have done anything for him,” Noya blurted. “It didn’t matter what it took if I got to see him shine like I knew he could. I just… I needed his help right now. I was ready to spend my whole fucking life pushing him and supporting him and pulling him out of his shell but I just… I needed his help this time, this  _ one time _ , and he wasn’t there.”

After a moment, Tanaka asked, “What do you want to do?”

“Kick him in the balls,” he muttered, and Tanaka didn’t quite manage to stifle his laugh. “Get drunk enough that I won’t remember getting snot all over your bar when I wake up in the morning.”

“You’re gonna have a bitch of a hangover.”

“I’ll apologize to myself tomorrow.”

“Gonna apologize to me, too, when I have to take care of your miserable ass?” Tanaka asked, but he was already pouring another round of shots.

“Need to apologize to you about a lot of things,” he murmured into the shot glass as he lifted it to his lips.

“You don’t have to apologize to me about anything,” Tanaka said, then added more lightly, “Unless you puke on my bar. Then I’m sending my sister after you.”

Noya breathed out a halfhearted laugh through his nose. “’m glad you’re here, Ryuu.”

Tanaka was silent a moment, then asked quietly, “You really came straight here, after all that?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, you said you went to his place right after practice, but… what happened after?”

“Oh,” Noya said, blinking. “I… Yeah, I just… I texted you as soon as I left his house, then got on the first train headed toward Tokyo. I wasn’t really thinking straight, I guess, and I didn’t... God, I’m sorry. I didn’t know where else to go.”

“No, dude, I’m glad you came. Seriously. I’m just a little worried about your provisions,” he said, nodding at the bag on the barstool next to Noya. “I take it that isn’t an overnight bag.”

Noya looked over at it more slowly, hardly even remembering it was there, “Shit, no. I have, like, gym shorts and socks and a dirty t-shirt.”

“Welcome to Tokyo,” Tanaka said dryly.

Noya let out a weak laugh. “Yeah, I’m really going to be reelin’ in the chicks this trip.”

Tanaka raised an eyebrow. “This bar isn’t the best for meeting people, but if you’re actually looking for a rebound-”

Noya groaned and held up a hand. “Jesus, you’re kidding, right?”

Tanaka grinned. “I’m just sayin’, I make a pretty killer wingman.”

Noya let out a sigh that didn’t quite manage to be a laugh. “No, man, I’m not...” He shook his head. “Really not looking to get laid. Or even joke about it.”

He knew he’d put too much weight on it when Tanaka tilted his head, measuring his response and trying to put a meaning to it.

Noya looked down at the bar and shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, his foot bouncing against the barstool as his fingers closed around the familiar shape in his left pocket. “To celebrate us moving in together, I was gonna, uhm…” He shrugged his shoulder and wiped his nose on it, then sniffed. “Fuck. Don’t laugh at me, okay?” He didn’t wait for Tanaka to respond, because he knew that he wouldn’t laugh, not about this. He pulled the small velvety box out of his pocket and tossed it onto the bar.

“Jesus,” Tanaka breathed. He didn’t need to open it, but he did, and Noya hid his face in his hands, burning with embarrassment and regret, not wanting to see it again. It was just a simple gold band, inexpensive and plain, but the nicest one he’d been able to afford. “Did you-”  _ ask him _ ? But the question was left unasked because, obviously, he hadn’t.

“I was going to take him to dinner this weekend. Maybe after we signed a lease.”

“You should call him,” Tanaka said. “Or. I’m sure he’s going to call  _ you _ . Do you have your phone on?”

But Noya just shook his head, tired. “It wasn’t that kind of fight, Ryuu.” He ran a hand down his face, sighing, “We were both really unhappy. More than either of us realized or wanted to admit. I felt alone, but I was waiting it out, because I thought moving in together would make it better. But he felt trapped.” He picked up the ring box and snapped it shut, then turned it over slowly in his hands. “And the more I tried to keep him close, the more panicked and miserable it made him.” He shook his head again, shoving the ring box back in his pocket. “And I had no idea he felt that way, at all. I dunno how you can come back from that. Makes me wonder what the fuck else I’ve been missing.”

“You’ve always had tunnel vision when it comes to him,” Tanaka said, refilling Noya’s glass again.

“What do you mean?”

Tanaka just shook his head. “You almost quit volleyball to prove to him we needed him. And you’re probably the top libero in the country right now.” He glanced over his shoulder and made an irritated noise, then said, “I’ll be right back.”

Noya followed him with his eyes as he moved off down the bar, realizing for the first time that they weren’t the only people there anymore. The crowd was still early-on-a-week-night sparse, but it had gone from being mostly dead to actually feeling like a bar while he was wallowing in his own misery. He downed the shot Tanaka had poured him, then folded his arms on the bartop and rested his chin on his hands, watching Tanaka serve the other customers. It wasn’t busy enough to keep him away for long, but it was busy enough to keep them from really talking, and Noya was definitely drunk now, heavy and hazy and just distant enough from himself that watching Tanaka work was like watching a fish swimming gracefully in its tank, his hands moving with practiced ease, a look of concentration on his face that Noya usually only saw on the other side of a net.

He was drifting in and out, probably. It was getting hard to tell the difference between a long blink and a short nap. Eventually Tanaka came back to him and whapped him gently on the forehead with a pen. Noya blinked up at him, not quite registering the sting as pain. “My shift’s up in five. Do I need to haul your ass upstairs?”

“No, I’m.” Maybe. Probably. He wasn’t sure how he’d do with the whole standing thing. “What do I owe you?” he asked, groping for the bag next to him and looking for his wallet.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “You’re practically Saeko’s other brother. I don’t think she’s going to begrudge you a little shitty tequila.”

And that was really. Really nice. So nice it made him blink and sniffle.

“Oh god. Come on, let’s get you upstairs.”

“I should have listened to you,” he blurted, loud enough to make Tanaka go a little wide-eyed. “About Asahi. I should’ve. You knew, and I didn’t listen, and I should’ve, and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, man. I’m the last person in the world who’s going to be upset with you right now.”

“You should be, though. I fuckin’. I blew you off! I left you hangin’ and then I come crawling back here and drink your booze and you have to deal with my-” He gestured to himself- “my drunk ass.” Tanaka was barely suppressing a smile, and it was. He was. “God, you would have made a much better boyfriend, if you weren’t the straightest person I know.”

Tanaka’s face did a thing he didn’t recognize, which was weird because he was pretty sure he knew all the things that Tanaka’s face did, but this wasn’t one of them. His brain caught up a second later and he realized that. That he had just said something really stupid. He’d shattered the bi-best-friend equilibrium, crossed a line, broken The Rule. He started to apologize, to try to take it back, but before he could make a sound, Tanaka leaned forward against the bartop, putting them eye to eye, so close their noses almost touched. “Dude,” he said, reaching up and flicking Noya’s bangs out of his eyes, “I’m not as straight as you think I am.”

Noya’s lips parted in surprise, not quite managing to make a little  _ oh _ . The gears in his brain were still turning, slow and rusty, when Tanaka closed the distance between them and pressed a soft, gentle kiss to his lips. And oh.  _ Oh _ .

His mouth was soft and warm, lips smooth and supple and tasting faintly of tequila, and… and then he drew away, taking all the air in Noya’s lungs with him.

The kiss had been gentle and sweet, almost chaste, but it was over too soon, and Noya chased after Tanaka when he pulled back, because this felt Important, heavy and significant, and he didn’t want to let the moment pass while his brain was still realigning itself around this new information. He caught Tanaka by the back of the head, pulling him back and kissing him again. There was no hair for him to grab onto, nothing to curl his fingers in, and that was. Weird. Different. So different. But not bad. He smoothed his palm over Tanaka’s stubbly scalp, tracing the familiar shape of his skull. It wasn’t the first time he’d run his hand over Tanaka’s head, not even the thousandth time, but it was different, like this, when it made him sigh and part his lips, leaving Noya free to lick experimentally into his mouth.

Tanaka reached up and threaded his fingers into Noya’s hair, tipping his head to one side and kissing him back, a more tentative touch of tongue but more than enough tear down walls Noya hadn’t even realized were standing between them. Best friend. Straight friend. Childhood friend. Teammate. Neighbor. Tanaka. Until all that was left was Ryuu. Ryuu, the one unwavering constant in his life. Ryuu who grazed his teeth against Noya’s bottom lip and murmured his name into his mouth, quiet and breathless like a benediction, “Yuu.” Tanaka drew back, breathing hard, his lips plump and smooth and pink, “We-”

Noya fisted a hand in the front of Tanaka’s shirt, keeping him from retreating, and draped himself across the bar, crushing their lips together again, because it felt like everything had shifted, the machinery in his mind not just shaking off the rust but rebuilding itself completely into something new. He hefted himself up onto the counter, practically climbing over it trying to get closer, but when Tanaka backed up another step, Noya overshot the edge of the bar, leaning forward onto nothing, and then his world was turning on end in a much more literal sense.

Tanaka caught him before he could fall far, but not before he pitched forward, equilibrium shifting abruptly and turning his stomach. He gripped both hands into Tanaka’s shirt and said, “Oh fuck.”


	2. Chapter 2

Noya woke up in a bedroom that wasn’t familiar, in a bed that  _ smelled _ familiar. His whole body ached and the light peeking through the cracks in the blinds sent pain shooting through his skull. He dragged a pillow over his head and hugged it against his face, then breathed in.

Ryuu.

It smelled like home, the so-familiar scent of soap and skin, of borrowed pillows and sleepovers, training camps and late nights spent talking. He buried his face in it and breathed again, slow and steady, blocking out the light and trying to will himself back to sleep.

The thought settled in before he could drift off: why was he in Tanaka’s bed?

Then he remembered the taste of Tanaka’s mouth, the smooth softness of his lips, the gentle press of his teeth.

He sat up abruptly, which was a mistake. His stomach churned and his head heaved like something heavy had rolled to the front of his skull. He pressed a hand to his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the feeling to pass. Then he looked down and realized he wasn’t dressed. His shirt and jacket were gone, and when he lifted up the sheets, he discovered that he wasn’t wearing anything but a pair of Tanaka’s boxers. His stomach went cold. He couldn’t remember anything after the bar. After the kissing. But he was definitely in Tanaka’s bed and wearing his underwear. He shifted experimentally. He was sore all over – more than volleyball practice sore, but not… And he was grimy with sweat, but it wasn’t. He didn’t think.

But he couldn’t remember.

His heart was beating fast and bile spiked in the back of his throat. He needed to get up and find a bathroom, fast. He only got as far as throwing off the covers, though, before he realized that Tanaka had left a trashcan lined with an empty plastic bag right beside the bed. He grabbed it, dragged it into his lap, bent over it, and threw up until his ribs ached and he was panting for breath. When he ran out of what little he had in him to puke up and his dry heaving subsided, Noya set the trashcan back on the floor, then put his face in his hands, covering his eyes and trying to figure out just how badly he’d fucked up.

A few minutes later, there was a quiet rap on the door. Noya just had time to look up before the door opened and Tanaka stepped into the room. “Morning, pukey,” he said, handing Noya a glass of water and two hefty-looking tablets – probably some kind of painkiller. He closed the blinds on the windows a little tighter, darkening the room, then sat down on the edge of the bed and asked quietly, “How’re you feeling?”

Noya grunted, carefully swallowing the pills down one at a time. He took another gulp of water and swished it around in his mouth, trying to rid himself of the taste of stomach acid, then slowly drank the rest of the water. When he was done, he set the empty glass on the nightstand, took a steadying breath, and asked, “Did we have sex last night?”

Tanaka’s eyes blew wide with surprise, his face going dark crimson, “What?” Then, hastily, “No. Dude, no, nothing. Nothing happened. What. Why would you think that?”

Noya gestured to himself – wearing nothing but Tanaka’s boxers – then to the room and the bed – not his.

Tanaka shook his head, composing himself. “Dude, no, it’s not… You went full Shoyou on me. Puked all over me, then puked all over yourself and passed out. I had to carry you upstairs. All your clothes were either covered in vomit or smelled like swamp ass or both, so I put them in the wash. There’s no bed in the other room yet, so I put you in mine and slept on the couch. I promise I didn’t, like, molest you or something,” he said, waving vaguely in Noya’s direction – encompassing, presumably, the fact that Noya wasn’t wearing the same underwear he’d had on the night before. “And we didn’t-” He stopped, puffed out a sigh, rubbed the back of his neck. “What do you remember?”

“You kissed me,” Noya said. Tanaka frowned, looking down at his feet and nodding. “And then I kissed you. And then…”

“And then you slipped and fell off the bar and puked all over me and passed out, and I hauled you up here and put you to bed. That’s it.”

“Did you-” Noya started, then stopped, because the first thing that came out of his mouth was rarely ever tactful, and this was… delicate. He had so many questions, but wasn’t sure which one was the right one to ask to get the answer he needed. Finally he asked, his voice small, “Did you mean it?”

Tanaka’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What?”

Noya touched his fingertips to his lips, then realized what he was doing and ducked his head, cheeks burning, “When you kissed me. Was it.”  _ Because it was me or just to make a point? _

“Yeah,” Tanaka said when Noya couldn’t find a way to voice the question, “I meant it.” He smoothed a hand back over his head, scrubbing the short fuzz of his hair and huffing out a breath. “I shouldn’t have done it, and it was really shitty and selfish of me, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… Fuck, to take advantage of you when you were drunk and hurting, and I’m so sorry. I was pretty drunk, too, and I didn’t… God, I didn’t expect you to kiss me back, not at all and not like  _ that _ , but…” He grunted, low and frustrated, “You said I would have been a better boyfriend than Asahi, and all I could think was how much I wanted the chance to prove you right.” Noya’s eyes went wide, but before he could muster a response, Tanaka pressed on, “I know you were probably just talking out your ass last night and that you’ve probably never even looked at me that way, and that’s fine, we don’t…” He sighed, leaning forward on his arms and covering his face with his hands. “You’re my best friend and I don’t want to fuck that up, but if you meant what you said even a little bit-”

“I did,” Noya said, and Tanaka sat up abruptly and looked over at him, startled. Noya inched forward on the bed, reaching out and tentatively brushing his fingertips along Tanaka’s cheek, murmuring softly, “I wouldn’t have kissed you back last night if I didn’t.” Tanaka went very still beneath his touch, breath caught in his lungs, eyes wide and searching. But he didn’t draw away, and when Noya was sure he wasn’t going to, he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Tanaka made a small, needy sound against his mouth, and Noya slid his hand around to the back of Tanaka’s neck, drawing him closer and kissing him again, slow and sure. Tanaka breathed a weak sigh and started to relax into the kiss, the tension draining out of his shoulders as he started kissing Noya back. Without the hazy shroud of alcohol between them, it felt somehow more real, and now that he wasn’t scrambling sluggishly to make sense of what was happening, Noya realized just how  _ much _ he’d meant what he’d said – how much he wanted this. He snaked his arms around Tanaka’s neck and tipped his head to one side, parting his lips in invitation but letting Tanaka lead. He was surprised by how sweetly Tanaka kissed him, a gentle touch of tongue, the slow threading of fingers in his hair, the ghost of fingertips on his spine leaving trails of phantom heat on his skin. It made him shiver and gasp, and when he drew back, he let out a giddy, breathless laugh, pressing their foreheads together and murmuring against Tanaka’s mouth, “Holy shit, Ryuu.”

“Still think I’m the straightest person you know?” Tanaka asked, his voice tinged with amusement and a little rough around the edges.

Noya huffed out a laugh, giving a small shake of his head. “Still think I only kissed you because I was drunk?”

Tanaka drew back, searching Noya’s face, his voice softening. “No, but you sure as hell never let on that you were interested before.”

Noya sat back on his heels and dropped his gaze. “I never let myself think seriously about this,” he said, gesturing vaguely between them, “before last night. But it turns out it wasn’t much of a leap.”

Tanaka gave a small nod, licked his lips nervously. “And now that you’re thinking about it?”

“I don’t know,” Noya said, because he didn’t. He looked over at Tanaka, searching the lines of his face for all the things he’d missed. “I don’t want you to be a rebound,” he said finally. “I don’t…” He frowned, looking down at his knees.“You’re maybe the most important person in my life, Ryuu, and I don’t want to fuck that up, and I’m… I’m not in a good place right now. Obviously. But I didn’t ask if we had sex last night because I was worried you’d taken advantage of me, I asked because I was afraid I’d…” He stopped. Shook his head. “Because the last thing I remember from last night is wanting to. But I can’t… I can’t promise that if Asahi shows up here tomorrow with flowers and a really, really good apology and a fucking five year plan that I’m not going to at least hear him out.” He shook his head, rubbing at his eyes. “And I don’t want you to be the person I… Ugh, but I fucking did, though, not like  _ that _ way, or at least not on purpose, but I fucking ran right into your arms after I broke up with him. And that probably means something, but I don’t want you to be a rebound, I don’t want you to be an “I’m-over-you” or a revenge fuck and I don’t want you to be a salve or a fucking band-aid for the mess Asahi made. If we’re gonna…” He shook his head. “I wanna do it right, and I can’t right now. I mean, Jesus it’s been… It hasn’t even been a day.”

“I’m not in any hurry,” Tanaka said after a moment. “I mean, I’m not… I’m not asking anything of you. This doesn’t even have to be a thing unless you want it to be, not now or ever. I didn’t mean to back you into a corner, I just… Jesus, I really didn’t think this through at all, man. Last night was just the first time I saw an opening to tell you and had the guts to take it.”

“How long?” Noya asked.

Tanaka gave a small shake of his head, like he wasn’t going to answer, then glanced down at his hands. “When you came out to me, I had about two minutes to come to terms with the realization that I really wanted to kiss you and that that was maybe a thing that could happen before you told me you were dating Asahi.”

Noya sucked in a breath, because, wow. He’d had no idea. He’d been neck deep in his own shit at the time, terrified and thrilled and-

“I think you were waiting for me to be grossed out, or mad or freaked or something, but it was, like, the first time anyone had ever made it sound like it was okay to like both? And it kinda blew my mind.” He shook his head. “It really hit me after we won nationals. I’d sort of been pretending to myself that my beef with Asahi was that I thought he wasn’t good enough for you, but when you ran over and jumped into his arms and kissed him in front of everyone after the match… I stopped being able to pretend I wasn’t jealous.”

Noya breathed out a bitter laugh. “For what it’s worth, he almost broke up with me for doing it. We got in such a huge fight afterwards, because he was so afraid that his parents would find out.”

“Jesus. Guy knows how to ruin a moment, huh?”

But Noya didn’t want to talk about Asahi. He shook his head. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? I mean, not about me, but that you’re…”

“Bi, I guess?” Tanaka provided when Noya hesitated. “I dunno, man. I mean, I never told anyone, because it didn’t matter. Or it felt like it didn’t, I guess. Like if there had been another guy, maybe, but it was just…” He shrugged. “You. And that’s a hell of a conversation, right? ‘I’m mostly straight but damn your ass looks good in those shorts, best friend who’s in a steady relationship!’”

Noya couldn’t help it. He grinned. “Which shorts?”

Tanaka looked up at him, blushing when he realized what he’d just said, then snapped, “Your fucking jersey, man.” He scrubbed his hand over his head, sighing, “Your little orange ‘regulation booty shorts.’” Noya barked out a laugh, and Tanaka muttered, “It’s not funny. It was fucking distracting.”

“You should have told me,” he said, suddenly serious.

Tanaka shook his head. “I didn’t want to fuck things up. Not between you and me, and not between you and Asahi.” He sighed. “It didn’t feel like it would make a difference, anyway, even if I told you.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s always been Asahi for you,” he said quietly, leaning forward and wringing his hands together. “From the moment you met him, it was like… some red thread of fate shit, or something. He was always your ace. Always the bright light you looked toward. For a while I thought that maybe when he graduated, it might change, but it didn’t. Even after he was gone… I was the ace of the team, but he was still  _ your _ ace. You never looked at me the way you looked at him.”

“Because you’re different,” Noya blurted. “I never had to look to you because you were always there.” Tanaka looked up at him, surprised, and Noya flushed and looked down at his lap. “You’ve always been there for me, Ryuu, no matter what. With Asahi… if I wasn’t always looking, I would miss the moments when I got to see him.”

“What do you mean?”

Noya shook his head. “You said last night that no one ever saw in him what I do, and you were probably right, because…” He made a frustrated sound, “Because he always hides, from everything. But there are these moments, like that split second when he slams down a really perfect spike, when he forgets to hide or worry or apologize or whatever and it’s just… him, the way he’s supposed to be.” He looked back up at Tanaka. “But you never hide from anything.”

He let out a dry laugh. “You say to the person who just confessed to harboring a secret crush on you for more than a year.”

“It’s different,” Noya said. “You never stopped being you. You never stopped being the person that I could trust, and depend on. I mean, Jesus, you were in the perfect position to sabotage my relationship with Asahi, but-”

“Dude, I would  _ never- _ ”

“Exactly.”

Tanaka stilled, staring at him for a moment before dropping his gaze. “I’m just glad you aren’t pissed. Or like, grossed out, or-”

“Dude,” Noya said, “I promise, there was like zero chance of me being grossed out. I may have straight-friend zoned you, but I’m not  _ blind _ .” Tanaka’s cheeks dusted pink, and that was so weird and new and thrilling, to see that almost-shy look on Tanaka’s face and know he was the one who had put it there. He reached up and brushed his fingertips along Tanaka’s rosy skin, following the line of his cheekbone, his voice softening, “Just because I never went after you doesn’t mean I never thought about it.”

Tanaka looked up, searching, his expression soft and vulnerable, like he was almost afraid to believe what Noya was saying. “Really?”

Noya gave a small nod, and then, when the uncertainty didn’t leave Tanaka’s face, he grinned. “And did I mention that you’re a really fantastic kisser?”

Tanaka huffed out a startled laugh and looked down, his cheeks going two shades darker. “No, you didn’t.”

“You’re a really fantastic kisser,” he said, brushing the pad of his thumb along Tanaka’s lower lip. Tanaka made a soft sound, his eyes falling shut, and Noya’s voice turned soft and thoughtful, “I keep waiting for this to feel weird, or… I dunno. Strange?” He paused, cupping Tanaka’s face in his hand. “Forbidden, maybe, or wrong somehow. But it doesn’t.”

“Yeah,” Tanaka breathed, looking up into Noya’s eyes. “Can I…?”

Noya just nodded, leaning in and touching their lips together again, because it felt  _ right _ and because he wanted to understand that, because the best way he knew how to make sense of a new thing was to touch and prod and push, to feel his way around it until it became familiar. This time, their kiss was less tentative and more relaxed, and the easy way they fit together made Noya hum contentedly. Tanaka smiled against his mouth, a subtle, lazy curve of lips, and Noya traced the shape of it with slow, wandering kisses. He wanted to map the terrain of Tanaka’s mouth, to memorize every inch of him, to catalogue his reactions to every slow, exploratory kiss and touch – the soft intake of breath, the blossoming warmth in his cheeks, the little rumble of pleasure in his chest. Tanaka’s hands came to light on Noya’s neck, thumbs gently stroking the sensitive skin behind his ears, and Noya gasped, parting his lips against his mouth. Tanaka moaned weakly and leaned into him, their kiss turning languid and hot and open mouthed, the smooth press of Tanaka’s lips punctuated by soft bites and the intoxicating, sultry heat of his mouth.

The angle was bad, though, the difference in their heights and their positions on the bed forcing Noya to lean and crane his neck uncomfortably and keeping him from getting as close as he wanted to be. He grunted softly and shifted, slinging a leg over Tanaka’s thighs and straddling his lap.

It became immediately obvious that this very logical and embarrassingly habitual repositioning was a really terrible idea when Tanaka instinctively gripped Noya’s waist with both hands, making Noya whine against his mouth and cant his hips forward. Tanaka let out a strangled groan and drew back, looking up at him open-mouthed, his pupils blown wide. His fingers dug into Noya’s hips, like he couldn’t decide whether he should pull him closer or push him away.

Noya found himself caught in Tanaka’s gaze, the sudden weight of the moment freezing him in place. Because they’d just found the line, and despite everything he’d said, he wanted to cross it. Wanted to grind against Tanaka again, to push him backwards and splay him out on the bed and keep exploring, to sink his teeth into him and peel him out of his clothes and find out how well their bodies fit together, to let himself believe, for a moment, that this was the only thing that mattered. Tanaka wanted it, too, their bodies pressed too close together to pretend otherwise, but Noya knew a misstep here could cost him his best friend, and it wasn’t worth the risk. Even if they both wanted it, there was too much room for regret. He knew it was too much too soon, but he had no idea how to pull away, how to tip the scale back to where they’d been and keep himself from tumbling clumsily into this new, delicate thing.

For a long moment, they just stared at each other.

Then Tanaka said, deadpan, “You smell like Daichi’s feet.”

Noya sputtered out a startled laugh, and Tanaka cracked a grin. And that was it. Boom. Sexy gone. Moment shattered. Noya laughed until his shoulders shook, and he fell forward, resting his forehead on the curve of Tanaka’s neck.

“I’m serious, man,” Tanaka said, a hint of laughter in his voice even as he trailed his fingertips lightly down the dip of Noya’s spine, “Like someone shoved all of Shoyou’s practice clothes in a gym bag and forgot about it for a week.”

“That’s just nasty,” Noya complained.

“I’m just callin’ it like I’m smellin’ it.”

Noya snorted out another laugh and leaned back. “I guess I should go take a shower then, huh?”

Tanaka’s expression softened, and he reached up and brushed his thumb gently against Noya’s cheek. “Bathroom’s out the door and on the right. You can’t miss it. I’ll bring you a towel and your clothes.”

Noya spent a long moment watching Tanaka watch him, memorizing the gentle, almost disbelieving look on his face. Then he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips and murmured, “Thank you, Ryuu.”

“Yeah,” he said, a little breathless, “sure.”

“I’ll be quick,” he said, sliding out of Tanaka’s lap and padding his way across the room. Tanaka’s boxers – which were a few sizes too big – were sitting dangerously low on his hips, but he waited until he was out of Tanaka’s line of sight before he hiked them up, partly because it felt undignified and partly because if Tanaka had been staring at him in his volleyball shorts, he was  _ definitely  _ paying attention to how Noya looked wearing his underwear, butt-cleavage and all.

The bathroom was right where Tanaka had said it was, but Noya took a moment to poke his head into the other bedroom first. It was virtually identical to Tanaka’s – about the same size, but with different windows that caught different light and empty except for a bunch of collapsed cardboard moving boxes. It wasn’t where he thought he’d spend the next year or more of his life, not the place he’d spent the last several months planning for, but it  _ was _ the place he’d been daydreaming about for a lot longer than that. He didn’t let the thought linger; it was too heavy, too raw and new, and he still wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.

He ducked into the bathroom and shut the door but didn’t lock it, then took his time showering, scrubbing himself pink from head to toe and letting the caked-on grime and sweat and tears wash slowly down the drain. He didn’t hear Tanaka open the door, but when he turned off the water, he found his gym bag sitting on the counter by the sink, a towel folded neatly on top of it. He grabbed the towel and wrapped it around his waist, then started digging through his bag.

His phone was sitting on top of the pile of clean clothes, and he contemplated leaving it there. Decided resolutely that he wasn’t going to so much as glance at it for about two seconds before turning it on and unlocking it. He had three missed texts, all from Asahi, all sent sometime late the night before:

✿ ♥Asahi♥ ✿ : I’m really, really sorry about earlier, Yuu

✿ ♥Asahi♥ ✿ : I know I threw a wrench in your plans, but have you considered asking Tanaka if he’s rented out his spare room yet? Just a thought.

✿ ♥Asahi♥ ✿ : Sorry again

He stared at the phone in his hands and forced himself to breathe. Checked the urge to fling the phone to the ground, or out a window, or flush it down the toilet. Then he checked the urge to send a message back, something obscene in all caps - maybe a picture of his middle finger; repressed the grim desire to tell Asahi that, actually, yes, he  _ was _ going to be living with Tanaka, and that they’d almost just-

-and that was exactly why they hadn’t. Because anger and hurt were the wrong reasons to do anything. Tanaka wasn’t a tool or a weapon to turn back against Asahi just because he was upset, and even if that wasn’t his intent, he knew it was too soon, the wound too fresh, for him to be able to keep his feelings from bleeding into each other. He held down the power button on his phone and shoved it into the side pocket of his gym bag, only to realize the pocket wasn’t empty. His fingers brushed the ring box, and before he could think better of it, he took it out and opened it. When he’d bought the ring, it had seemed like the next logical step – something inevitable – because they were young, sure, but they were rushing forward into the unknown together, and  _ together _ had more weight to it than either of them did on their own. But they hadn’t been running hand-in-hand like he’d thought. He’d turned back to look and found Asahi run ragged, dragged behind him, exhausted and afraid, without a brave face left to give him.

Had he tried to make Asahi something he wasn’t? He didn’t know anymore, and it felt like it was too late to matter either way, because in the better part of a day, the only apology Asahi had been able to muster was for inconveniencing him. Asahi, who had a thousand apologies in him at any given moment, but never the right ones – never the kind that actually righted the wrong, just the kind that made rifts wider and cut wounds deeper.

Noya knew that if he wanted to fix this, he could. That he could fight and patch over and rebuild and apologize and compromise and reshape the mess they’d made into something that looked like what it had been before. But it wouldn’t be the same, and he was pretty sure if he was going to do it, he was going to have to do it alone, and that even if it worked this time, it wouldn’t be the  _ last _ time he would have to pick up the pieces. And he was tired of it, tired of making things happen by himself, of pushing and pushing and pushing and never getting very far, of keeping secrets and staying hidden and running in endless circles while Ashai moved one slow step forward at a time.

He snapped the ring box shut and started to put it back into his bag. Then he realized he didn’t want it there. Didn’t want to carry the weight of it, didn’t want to feel it in the back of his thoughts, burning a hole in him. Didn’t want the reminder. He’d put all his hope in the future. Made himself believe that the two of them moving in together would fix everything. That if they could finally “be together,” that everything would be okay. But they’d  _ been _ together, and he realized, now, that a change of scenery wasn’t going to change the fact that he desperately craved more commitment than Asahi was ready for, or that Asahi needed more time and space and patience than Noya had it in him to give.

He looked down at the ring box sitting innocuously in his hand. Sniffed and rubbed his nose, his face feeling pinched. Contemplated, for a moment, just throwing it away. Got as far as holding the box over the trashcan before he realized what he was doing, then let out an abrupt, startled sob, because that. That was. He took a shuddering breath and wiped the heel of his hand against his eyes, then pulled open the drawer beneath the sink and put the box in it, way in the back, where he could forget about it for now and decide what to do with it later. He braced his hands against the counter and stared down into the sink, forcing himself to breathe, slow and steady.

It was over.

The finality of it settled over him like a weight, the hurt in his chest starting to morph into something numb, which probably wasn’t better – would probably come back and bite him – but it brought with it a certain sense of calm. He fished his phone out of his bag and turned it back on, then pulled up Asahi’s last text and started typing a reply:  _ i talked 2 ryuu n he said i cn still rent the room so dont worry abt that.  _ He hesitated a moment, then sent the message and started typing again.

_ ur probly _

No, that wasn’t right.

_ i didn’t _

No.

_ im not _

But he was. Angry. Pissed. Upset. Hurt. Confused. Heartbroken.

_ i hope ur ok _

Send.

_ im sorry _

He was sorry for a lot of things. Sorry for all the things he’d missed, for all the things he’d maybe done, or not done, or done wrong.

_ im sorry, too _

Send.

He chewed his lip. Started and deleted half a dozen more messages before realizing there wasn’t really anything else to say. They’d left things with a heavy sense of finality the day before, and all the thoughts in his head were just rehashing everything they’d already talked about, all the reasons they couldn’t fix this. If Asahi’s message had said  _ don’t leave  _ instead of  _ I’m sorry _ , if he’d filled his phone with messages of love and determination and resolve and refusal to let him go, if he’d tried to fight for him…

…but he hadn’t, and Noya understood now that he wouldn’t. Because he knew Asahi loved him, but not in the way he needed him to.

He took a steadying breath, then started a new group text to Suga and Daichi.

_ if he didnt tell u already, asahi and i broke up yest. i dont rly want to talk abt it but if u havent heard from him plz make sure hes ok. i dont want him 2 b alone rite now. im gonna turn my phone off but if its an emergency im in tokyo w ryuu so u cn call him 2 get me. thx guys n sorry _

He reread the message, then hit send.

Before he could turn the phone off again, it dinged.

｡ﾟ✶ sugamama ✶ﾟ｡ : Don’t worry about Asahi, he’s with us.

｡ﾟ✶ sugamama ✶ﾟ｡ : We’ll make sure he’s alright.

｡ﾟ✶ sugamama ✶ﾟ｡ : Take care of yourself, Noya <3

He breathed a shuddering sigh of… relief? It felt like relief. Because Asahi wouldn’t be left alone with his thoughts, and if they’d both told Suga and Daichi… It made it truer, somehow. More final. He typed and sent a quick  _ thx suga _ , then turned off his phone and set it face down on the counter.

Okay.

He was going to be fine, and Asahi was going to be fine. It was over, but that was okay, and it was going to be alright. He ran the water in the sink until it turned cold, then splashed it against his face and slapped his cheeks with his hands. It was a clean break. Mutual. Better now than in a year, or two, or five. He had a fresh start. A new school, a new team, a new apartment in a new city. A new… A different Tanaka than the one he’d graduated with hardly a month before, but that was...

He splashed more water on his face and scrubbed it with his hands. Slurped water directly out of the tap and smoothed his cool, wet palms through his hair and over the back of his neck. It was going to be okay. He repeated it to himself, again and again, as he dried off and dressed, soothing himself with the familiarity of routine. He brushed his teeth with a dab of toothpaste on his finger and poked around in the medicine cabinet until he found some mouthwash to gargle. There wasn’t any hair gel, of course, which meant he was stuck looking about four inches shorter and five years younger than usual, but it wasn’t like Tanaka had never seen him with his hair down before. He fussed with the limp strands for a moment out of habit anyway, wishing he at least had a hairbrush, then sighed and smoothed his hair down as best he could, because it didn’t really matter. There was no getting around the fact that he looked like he’d spent the better part of a day crying his guts out before going on a bender. At least he didn’t stink anymore.

He took a breath. Puffed out his chest. Told his reflection, “You’re going to be fine.” Stared himself down until he almost believed it, then opened the bathroom door and headed back out into the living room.

Tanaka looked up from his phone and sat up straighter on the sofa. “Hey,” he said gently. “How’re you feelin’?”

Noya paused, honestly considering it, then said, “Better than yesterday.” Tanaka nodded, a little crease of worry in his brow, and Noya let out a dry laugh and added, “And like I drank too much, like an asshole.”

The flicker of a shadow passed over Tanaka’s face for a moment before he put on a grin and shot back, “That happens when you drink too much, like an asshole.”

Noya huffed out another laugh, but this time it felt a little more natural. “You have anything to eat?” he asked, rubbing his eyes. They felt gravelly and dry. Scratchy. “I haven’t had anything since breakfast yesterday.”

“There’s rice and eggs and natto and probably some instant miso in the kitchen if you’re starved, but I was thinking if you were up to it, maybe we could go out to eat? It’s a little late for breakfast, but there’s some pretty good street food nearby, and I could show you around the neighborhood while we’re at it.”

It was what they would have done if this had been a casual visit, and it sounded like exactly what he needed. He wanted to move, to stretch his legs and get his blood pumping, fill his lungs with the unfamiliar air of the city. Wanted to find his footing, learn the names and faces of the streets so they would feel a little more like home, eat something warm and comforting and preferably unhealthy. Noya found himself nodding, because it sounded normal and familiar but not static; like a good first step to start moving forward. “Yeah, that sounds great,” he said.

Tanaka nodded, pushing himself up off the sofa. “Great. Let’s get out of here.”

As he followed Tanaka toward the front door, he was struck by a small, quiet feeling of hopefulness – like things were going to work out, somehow, if not remotely the way he’d expected them to. And when Tanaka tossed him a beanie to cover up his wet hair and started prattling on about the food and the neighborhood and the train station and where all the shops were and all the best spots he’d found on campus, it wasn’t strained or affected. The nagging, negative part of him said it was because Tanaka had been pretending things were normal between them for a long time, but watching him wedge on his shoes and dig around in his closet, he found he didn’t really believe that. Because things  _ had _ been normal, because first and foremost they were friends, and that, at least, hadn’t changed. “Yo, space cadet,” Tanaka said, tugging on his own Karasuno coat. “Come on, I’m starving.”

“Right,” Noya said, pulling the hat on. His shoes were lined up next to a pair of Tanaka’s slippers by the door, and he spared a moment to consider them – that this was where his shoes belonged, now, because this was where he was going to live. That this was his genkan in his apartment that he shared with his best friend, who was maybe more than just a friend now. He slipped his feet into his shoes, wiggling them until they got comfortable. “Sorry, I’m ready.”

Tanaka didn’t ask him if he was okay, but it was written all over his face.

He shook off his thoughts and gave Tanaka a tired smile. “I like the new place,” he said, and meant it.

Tanaka grinned and opened the door. “It fuckin’ sucks on Saturday nights, but the price is right, and the commute to campus isn’t bad.”

“You’ll have to show me around the train station,” he said, following Tanaka out into the narrow hall.

“Yeah, sure. It’s really not that bad once you’ve seen it a couple times,” he said, pulling the door shut and locking it. “And I can… Er,” he hesitated, glanced back over his shoulder at Noya. “Should I make you a key?”

Noya quirked an eyebrow. “I  _ would _ like to be able to get into my own apartment.”

Tanaka snorted, but he looked relieved. “I’ll talk to Saeko.” He waved for Noya to follow him down a narrow, rickety flight of stairs. It let out into a cramped hallway, which in turn led to a nondescript door. Once they’d passed through it, Noya realized it was butted up right against the front entrance to the bar. “How soon do you want to move in?” Tanaka asked as they fell into step beside each other and started walking down the sidewalk.

“I dunno,” he said. “I wasn’t going to move until right before the semester started to save money, but it would be good to have more time to find my way around, and I guess there isn’t really a reason to wait now that I have a place to live. I’ll talk to my parents when I go home.”

“When are you planning on going back?”

“Probably tonight or tomorrow, since I literally have nothing here but the clothes on my back.”

“God forbid you be forced to go without your hair care products,” Tanaka said, reaching over and palming Noya’s head, rubbing the beanie down against his scalp.

Noya swatted his hand away. “Man, not all of us have perfectly aerodynamic skulls,  _ city boy _ ,” he said, reaching up and rubbing at Tanaka’s fuzzy head.

Tanaka ducked out of the way, dodging Noya’s attack, then held a hand to his chest, looking wounded. “That’s cold blooded, dude. You should be nicer to your tour guide.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, bumping their shoulders together. “So what’s for breakfast, Mr. Tour Guide?”

“What are you in the mood for?”

“You said there’s a good ramen place near here, right? Would it be open this early?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Tanaka said. “It’s a couple blocks past the station, so we can look at the train schedule on the way.”

“Cool. Maybe if I draw myself a map, I won’t get lost next time,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“Why don’t I meet you at the station when you come back?”

Noya blinked up at him, then looked down at his feet. “You don’t have to do that. I’m just bitching because I had to pay for the stupid cab.”

“Still,” Tanaka said. “It’s no big deal. Just text me when you’re a stop or two away and I’ll come pick you up.”

Noya bit his lip and nodded. “Okay,” he said. “I will. Thanks.”

Tanaka nodded and hummed his approval, but then went quiet. When they reached the end of the block and stopped at the intersection, Tanaka scratched his cheek, puffed out a breath, and said, “You  _ are _ coming back, right?”

“What?”

“I mean,” he said, rubbing his head nervously, “you’re not going to go home, and see him, and like… decide to stay in Torono, right?” Noya’s eyes went wide, and Tanaka quickly held up his hands. “I mean, this isn’t. It’s not about me, or us, or the apartment or whatever. I’m not- I just want to make sure you’re not going to drop out of school or quit volleyball for him again, or something, because it would be such a fucking waste and-”

“I’m coming back,” he said firmly. The light had changed and people were starting to move around them, crossing the street. Noya frowned and grabbed onto the sleeve of Tanaka’s jacket, pulling him back toward a nearby building and out of the flow of traffic. Once they were under the shelter of the awning, he sighed and said, “Asahi and I are done, Ryuu. I’m not going to keep chasing after him anymore, and I’m not… I worked way too hard to get where I am to give it up now, and I’ve put too much on hold waiting for him already.”

Tanaka tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“I’m going to come out to my family when I get home,” he said, “because if absofuckingloutely nothing else, I’m sick and tired of being in the closet. I don’t want keep pretending to be something I’m not anymore.”

“Honestly, I don’t know how you did it.” Noya tilted his head, and Tanaka added, “Kept it a secret so long.” When Noya furrowed his brow in confusion, Tanaka dropped his gaze and cleared his throat. “My uh, my sister already knows.”

He tilted his head, momentarily uncomprehending, then… “Because of last night,” he gasped, horrified. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

“What? No, man, I mean, I was the one who kissed you, and-”

“No, you like, you gave me a quick little peck, and I-” He’d made out with him, sloppily, _in the bar_ _where he worked_. Noya’s eyes went wide and he put his hand to his mouth, “Oh my god, Ryuu, I-”

“Dude, seriously, it’s okay. She-” he grunted irritably, then reached into his pocket, pulled out a crumpled wad of paper, and handed it to Noya. “She slipped this under the front door last night.”

“What?” he asked, even as he started unfolding the paper. He smoothed it out and turned it over, then let out an abrupt, startled laugh. The note read, in sparkly pink glitter pen:  _ CONGRATULATIONS!!!! (finally!!!!!) _ with a crappy but clearly identifiable drawing of the two of them kissing, surrounded by a giant heart. “Oh my  _ god _ ,” he said again, but this time he was laughing, “I’m keeping this.”

“Go ahead,” Tanaka said with a dry laugh, dropping his gaze and rubbing the back of his head. Noya folded the note in half and tucked it carefully in his pocket, and Tanaka shook his head. “Anyway, I guess she had her suspicions already. But yeah, it’s not… Now that  _ you _ know, I don’t really care who else does.”

“Do you mean that?” Noya asked, reaching out and hooking his fingers with Tanaka’s.

Tanaka went pink, giving a small nod and lacing their hands together. “Yeah, I do.”

Noya bit his lip, but he couldn’t keep himself from smiling. He brushed his thumb against the back of Tanaka’s hand. “Still, I probably shouldn’t try to make out with you again while you’re working, huh?”

Tanaka gave a shake of his head, reaching up to cup Noya’s cheek gently in his hand. “I don’t care who knows.”

Noya’s breath caught in his throat, the casual intimacy of the touch making his pulse flutter and race beneath his skin. When Tanaka moved half a step forward, closing the distance between them, Noya tipped his head back, his eyes falling shut as Tanaka leaned down over him and pressed their lips together. It was as soft and tender as the first time they’d kissed, but this time it brought a rosy flush to Noya’s skin and made delighted, embarrassed pleasure bubble up in his chest. What they were doing was scandalous only by virtue of the fact that they were standing in the middle of a crowded street during the late morning rush, but when Noya leaned up for a second slow, gentle kiss, just that tender touch of lips was enough to make him shiver and curl his toes. When Tanaka drew back a moment later, he was wearing an easy, satisfied smile, and Noya had to duck his head to hide his own pleased grin. “We should probably go eat, huh?”

“Right, breakfast,” Tanaka said, like he’d genuinely forgotten. Noya laughed, and Tanaka grinned. “C’mon, I know a shortcut,” he said, drawing Noya back out onto the sidewalk, still hand in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tanaka sat down on the sofa, listening to the sound of the shower running through the closed door behind him. He rubbed his eyes, still reeling from everything that had happened in the last twelve hours. He picked up his phone, hoping to distract himself while he waited for Noya to get ready, and found two missed texts from Asahi sent in the early hours of the morning.
> 
> Azumane: take care of him for me  
> Azumane: i cant anymore
> 
> He swore softly under his breath, rubbing his hand over his mouth, and stared at the messages for a long minute before scrolling through his contact list and starting a new text.
> 
> Me: hey suga?  
> Suga: Don’t worry, Asahi is with us  
> Suga: I assume Noya is with you?  
> Me: uh, yeah  
> Me: how’d you know?  
> Suga: Lucky guess. How’s he holding up?  
> Me: not as well as he wants me to think he is  
> Me: but ok?  
> Me: is asahi alright?  
> Suga: Sounds about right.  
> Suga: Yeah, Asahi was a mess when he got here, but now he just seems relieved.  
> Me: seriously?  
> Suga: Yeah. I think they’d both say they didn’t see this coming, but they’d be the only ones who didn’t  
> Suga: I mean, you know. Twice as bright, half as long and all that.  
> Me: you really think they’re finished this time?  
> Suga: Yes  
> Me: what makes you so sure?  
> Suga: Just between you and me?  
> Me: i guess?
> 
> There was a pause, then a picture loaded on his phone. It took a moment for him to process what he was seeing: Suga, winking up at the camera, finger held to his lips, hushing him from afar; he was nestled in the curve of an arm, cuddled against a bare chest he recognized as Daichi’s, and tucked beneath Suga’s chin was… Asahi, hair loose and a little wild, bare at least to his shoulders where the picture cut off, his face turned and pressed to Suga’s collarbone and his hand rested on Daichi’s stomach.
> 
> Tanaka sat back in the sofa, breath leaving him in a rush.
> 
> Me: dude, wtf? i did NOT need to see that  
> Suga: Yes, you did  
> Suga: Because if you keep worrying about whether or not they’re going to get back together, you’ll keep putting off telling Noya how you feel until it’s too late  
> Me: wait, you knew??? how???  
> Suga: Lucky guess  
> Me: no, seriously suga, how’d you know?  
> Suga: Ryuu, you look at Asahi the exact same way I used to look at Yui
> 
> Tanaka flushed. Suga had spent the better part of his second year staring holes in Yui, alternately smiling tightly, looking like he was wondering if he could take her in a fight and gazing longingly, seemingly as lovestruck as Daichi, wondering what she had that he didn't. It had been painfully obvious to everyone but Daichi. Before he had a chance to respond, Suga pinged him again.
> 
> Suga: There’s a reason we’re the ones they always go back to when things get sour between them.  
> Suga: Asahi finally figured it out, and I hope Noya does, too.  
> Suga: You should make your move, Ryuu.
> 
> Tanaka held the phone loosely in his hands, trying to come up with something intelligent to say to that. Before he did, a new message popped up.
> 
> Suga: Oooh, unless you already did??? ৲( ᵒ ૩ᵕ )৴♡*৹  
> Suga: Noya just messaged both of us making the breakup official  
> Me: he did?!
> 
> Suga’s response was a simple screencap of their conversation. Tanaka’s eyes poured over Noya’s text until Suga pinged him again.
> 
> Suga: Whatever you said or did, thank you. If they’d gone at each other again like they did yesterday, I don’t think it would have ended amicably. Like Dateko all over again, but worse.  
> Suga: Ugh, but all the phones going off woke everyone up and there isn’t any coffee made. I need to get going.  
> Suga: Good luck! I’ll catch you later (✿^‿^)b  
> Me: yeah  
> Me: thanks suga

**Author's Note:**

> theshannonlewis on twitter and tumblr


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